


The Single Stage of Grief

by zolidarnosc



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: 2kim, F/F, this website is kinda confusing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2020-10-17 03:15:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20614046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zolidarnosc/pseuds/zolidarnosc
Summary: Chaewon finds herself falling in love with Kim Minjoo and she doesn't know what to do about it.(Or: Chaewon accepts the fact she's in love with Kim Minjoo and decides not to do anything about it.)





	1. acceptance

Chaewon wouldn't say she's a hopeless romantic.

She hasn't had a grandiose idea of love deep-rooted into her mind as a child. No tragic childhood or scars from a previous relationship to justify it, but Chaewon thinks of love as nothing more than a part of life.

Chaewon would say she hates all things that are pointless. She'd say there's no point in putting yourself in situations that inevitably hang on your shoulders like a burden never fading, it brings unnecessary pain when she could be doing so much more.

Therefore, Chaewon avoids all circumstances that might potentially drain her of her mental well-being—but like many things in the world, she has an exception.

She isn't a hopeless romantic, that's for sure, but she still is hopeless: and through the clouded mind of despair, she puts herself through anything this hopelessness will put her through. When or why she had become like this, she doesn't know, (of course she does, what else would keep her up for hours in the night?) but she has her suspicions.

It must have something (everything,) to do with Kim Minjoo.

[-*-]

Everything about Kim Minjoo won't leave her mind the first few weeks after they get acquainted.

Minjoo has to be the most naive person she's ever met. She has to be the most beautiful person she's ever met. The most kind-hearted person she's met. Maybe even the strangest. _Weirdest_, if you will.

But the fact that she can't forget her like another face in the crowd makes her think; she might as well be the most important person she's ever met.

She loved Eunbi for introducing them to each other and she hated her when she didn't ever open up an opportunity for them to meet again.

A cruel trick of fate, they met again.

Maybe if they didn't, she wouldn't be stuck in this situation now.

The second time they meet is in a convenience store: she doesn't remember why she was there in the first place but Minjoo—she moved into a new apartment and needed to "stock her supplies" in case a war would break out when she was sleeping.

Chaewon remembers thinking she must be the most ridiculous person she's ever met. She remembers thinking this girl must be too pure for this world, and she remembers thinking she could die content with her last sight being Minjoo's dimples when she smiles the smile that reaches the edge of her eyes.

Chaewon thought asking for Minjoo's number just as she's about to leave the store was the best decision she made in her life.

And maybe, just maybe, it was.

[-*-]

Minjoo makes fun of her too much sometimes.

No one ever believes her when she says it and Minjoo justifies their belief saying it's the other way around. But it's true.

Minjoo loves playing around with her.

It's not fair that she has the upper hand, especially since Chaewon was the one who started this teasing game—whatever this repertoire between them was.

It wasn't more than silly pranks, really.

It would be a shove when they're out for a movie and she gets a text from work, taking her cap off and running away with it after she gets a merong~ through; give her a jumpscare when she's outside her apartment waiting for her (she takes so long, it feels like centuries pass by) or as simple as stealing food from her plate when they decide to go out for a bite.

Minjoo still is a child at heart, Chaewon supposes. She looks so accomplished every time she gets a reaction out of her and Chaewon wonders if even the most mundane of things can bring them inexplicable joy.

She finds herself plotting ways to get back at her a Wednesday afternoon after work.

It brings a smile to her face.

(What Minjoo doesn't know is she plays around with Chaewon's heart more than Chaewon would ever like to admit.

Minjoo is rather oblivious to all the ways she does this, however.

Minjoo didn't notice the way she tensed up once their movie 'date' was over and she hugged her as a thank you.

When she stills for a few moments like an idiot in the middle of the park when Minjoo runs off with her baseball cap. When she replays her laugh—even with demonic intentions, it sounds like an angel's—a million times in her head and remains dazed and confused. Minjoo doesn't know how much more than a few pieces of stolen tteokbokki she's willing to give away at her mercy.

Minjoo is not a child, Chaewon knows.

She's anything but a child when they decide to go out to a high class restaurant this time and she'd say that was the first time she truly believed, god must be a woman.

Minjoo knows how to play a dangerous game, even if she's not aware that she can.)

[-*-]

“Is that your girlfriend?”

Chaewon's coworker asks her during their break.

She couldn't help her boredom and go through the photos on her phone: it was a dreadful Monday. “No, just a friend.”

“Well, you two look cute together. Maybe there could be something between you two, you know what I'm saying?” With a laugh, her coworker leaves.

The thought is amusing.

Maybe, it would be a lie to say it hasn't crossed her mind before.

It would be nice, wouldn't it? To be in love.

To be with someone.

Holding hands, hugging like the world doesn't exist, just being in someone's presence so calming, you forget all sense of self. Only the two of you exist.

She smiles.

Is it because the thought is euphoria?

Is it because it's too ridiculous, it's something she doesn't have the rights to dream of?

Her break ends, though her stupor doesn't.

[-*-]

Minjoo knows what it's like to be in love.

Chaewon knows what it's like to be in love.

Minjoo's a bit late, just like every other Saturday, but she smiles the same smile and doesn't apologize for being late. Chaewon understands, as always. It's the second Saturday of the month, they take her car this time. Minjoo decides to cover her eyes while they're on their way to the car, a laugh leaving her lips after Chaewon pries her hands away.

It's when her keys turn in the ignition that Minjoo starts telling her about her day, about a few high schoolers she somehow made friends with. She helped them with their project and they "remain eternally grateful" to her for that.

“Unnie, what are they even feeding kids these days? Those kids are like six feet tall,” there's a whine coating her voice, patting her head and looking at her with a pout.

Chaewon can't be sure.

But in the middle of one of those three actions, she realizes she's in love with Kim Minjoo.

The realization isn't grand: she doesn't swerve the steering or widen her eyes or gasp to catch Minjoo's attention. It passes by like any other thought and she doesn't pay much need to it.

Maybe she knew all along.

Then again, she can't be sure.

Along the way they pass by the high school and Minjoo voices out her desire to see those little troublemakers again. Chaewon is really, really in love with Kim Minjoo.

They reach the cinema hall after some more pointless conversation and Chaewon's mind telling her the same thing over and over again like a broken record.

Minjoo rarely looks so solemn. She does for a reason and Chaewon wants to know.

“Chaewon unnie, can I tell you something?”

Of course, she would listen to Minjoo say anything and everything for days on if she could. “What is it? Is everything alright?”

Her eyebrows shoot up at the sudden concern. “Unnie, it's nothing serious! It's just… it's something I can't tell just anyone, but since we've become so close…”

“Do you know the idol that debuted under Urban Works, she was on that survival show?”

“...Vaguely, yeah. What about her?”

And Chaewon sees Minjoo smile.

It's the smile that reaches her eyes, the one that shows off her dimples. The one she sees the stars in, the one she thinks she'll die seeing.

“It might sound a little absurd but I swear on my family name—yours too! Unnie, she's my girlfriend!”

Chaewon knows what it's like to have your heart ripped out, thrashed to a lifeless pulp and shoved back into your chest because you have no other choice than to pretend in front of the woman you love.

[-*-]

Chaewon kind of wishes she didn't hear Minjoo out that day.

If she didn't, then she wouldn't be feeling heartbroken like this.

If she didn't, then she wouldn't have been in this hopeless situation, stuck loving someone who's in a relationship with someone else.

She wouldn't keep putting herself in these situations that are no good for her mental well-being:

But here she finds herself.

What Chaewon hates the most is the false hope her mind and heart built up in anticipation to hear what Minjoo would say.

It was stupid to think she felt the same way.

Why would she?

_Why wouldn't she?_

No, Chaewon had read the signs wrong.

Perhaps Minjoo smiles like that at all of her friends.

Minjoo hugs all of her friends the same way—arms around their neck, nuzzling her face deeper into their shoulder and staying there for six seconds.

Minjoo clings to all her friends the same way, Minjoo simply looks at everyone with stars in her eyes. It couldn't be anything else.

It's not anything else.

“Did you know?”

“About what?”

“Minjoo and her…”

Eunbi pauses and raises her brows in acknowledgement. “Oh. Yeah, I did. Minjoo told me before her debut. They're pretty cute together! I met her once.”

She does the only thing she can do at the moment: nod and pretend like nothing's wrong.

It feels suffocating.

Chaewon and Minjoo both know what it's like to be in love. Chaewon has the misfortune of seeing Minjoo be in love with someone else.

It's suffocating when she catches Minjoo on a phone call, speaking oh so sweetly to the receiver—suffocating when Minjoo recalls all the sweet things her girlfriend has some for her when they're out with their friends—when photos of the two of them aren't face down every time she visits—when Minjoo whispers trifles to herself that remind her of her girlfriend—it's all just suffocating.

(It hurts even more when she realizes her love will go in vain. There's no point to her loving Minjoo. She's got a girlfriend, anyway.)

“Unnie, she's in town this week and she wants to meet you!”

And so Chaewon agrees before Minjoo can even complete her request.

Maybe—she's just a fool like that. Always too eager to keep her happy.

(She wonders when–if–the pain will stop.)

[-*-]

She doesn't look at you like that.

She doesn't cling onto you like that.

She doesn't laugh at each and every one of your jokes like that.

She's not like this around you.

She's not.

(You should stop telling yourself that this is exactly how she is around you.)

You wonder if she takes care of her well.

You wonder if you could do any better.

(You wonder, but you know it's useless.)

Minjoo looks happy, and that's all that should matter.

You didn't even have a shot—you have no rights to ask for anything more.

You don't. You should stop thinking that you do. “Minjoo tells me about you all the time! I trust you to be there for her when I'm not, Kim Chaewon.” She says in a mock serious voice and laughs when Minjoo hits her shoulder.

They're sweet.

Sickeningly so.

You can't say you're angry at the world. You're not angry at Minjoo. It's not her fault for you falling in love with her.

But you can't say it's your fault either. You couldn't help it. You're not angry at yourself either.

You can't really be angry because the situation deserves no anger from your side. You don't feel pity for yourself, you don't feel guilt or anything else knowing how hopeless your love is. All you can think of is how absurd this all is.

How much of a coincidence it has to be for you to call in love with someone in a relationship. How cruel the world is—no, how the world works in ways you can't comprehend. You can't do anything about it.

So, you accept it as it is.

You are in love with Kim Minjoo,

And she does not love you back.

That's what it is.


	2. denial

You think that maybe this was all a big mistake.

Now, you feel more bothered than ever.

Confused. 

Ever since you were a kid, you've never liked that feeling. _ Confusion. _

People would tease you for looking so confused all the time. You've heard enough from teachers telling you to be more confident in your skills in high school. That you shouldn't be so mindful of others. 

_ “Don't you know what to do?” _

You don't. In this present moment, you don't have the slightest idea on what you should do. You don't like the present because of that. It's easy to look back on the past. It's easy to look back on memories and live in them so much you don't notice the present passing by. 

(The future, you suppose, is even worse than the present. You don't trust your mind to imagine the future, because you're afraid of what you'll see. The future is always so uncertain. You're afraid of what you _ really _ want. You shouldn't be. Maybe you should. You don't know.)

This meeting was more for you rather than for the other two involved. 

It leaves your mind muddled, though. Cluttered.

What should you do?

_ “Don't you know what you want to do?” _

You're afraid.

Things shouldn't have turned out like this, not at all. You had everything planned out before. You knew what the future was going to be like before.

You didn't expect her to come along and shatter your vision to pieces. 

You swear to god, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

(You really don't know what you want to do.

It's just as terrifying as you'd expect it to be.)

[~°~]

It's always the little thoughts that manifest into things you don't expect.

It's the seeds of suspicion and doubt in your heart that bloom and fill your entire being when it's been long enough.

One prompt is all it takes.

If anything, _ anything _ out of all the things Minjoo knows is crystal clear—it's when it started. 

“Yah, you spend so much time with your girlfriend that you don't even notice me anymore! At least introduce us!” Yena tells her an afternoon they're hanging out and she panics. “What are you talking about, unnie?”

Yena furrows her brows. “Minjoo-_ yah _, don't act like I haven't seen her waiting for you outside your apartment and all! That's what you get for living in the same apartment complex as me.” 

She scoffs at Yena's pout. Then, a smile. 

“She's not my girlfriend, unnie. We're friends. Eunbi unnie introduced us.”

“Oh.”

“Well, you still should've introduced us too! I want to be friends with your friends. And besides, she looks pretty cool.”

So, it begins.

At first, it's funny. 

Minjoo considers telling Yena her girlfriend is an idol and that she has to keep it a secret or she might as well be jeopardizing the love of her life's career; she considers telling Chaewon about the incident so they can have a good laugh about it. 

Since it's funny, Minjoo doesn't take it seriously and she doesn't really change her ways after that. 

They're just friends, Chaewon doesn't think of them as anything more than that. 

She doesn't think of them as anything more than that. 

In fact, she doesn't even remember what Yena told her the next time she meets Chaewon.

Minjoo goes a little late as always, just to keep Chaewon on her toes: to keep her in anticipation of seeing her. Chaewon doesn't get frustrated (or at least she doesn't let it show) and it only drives her to bother Chaewon in one way or the other. She plays the playlist she knows Chaewon hates, she takes an extra long time to start up her car and Minjoo knows she loves testing the lines of Chaewon's patience. 

She never lashes out (she wonders if she even will) and Minjoo wants to see how far it'll take to do so. 

It's cruel—just a little—but she knows Chaewon can't get mad at her anyway. She won't. 

“If I die one day, it'll be because of you, Kim Minjoo,” Chaewon exasperates.

“But I wasn't even doing anything!”

Chaewon smiles, it's inconspicuous. 

“I wouldn't mind if it's your name on my tombstone, though.”

Like she knows something Minjoo doesn't. 

She's not a fan of it.

[~°~]

_ They're just friends. _

There's a knock on the door but Minjoo can't bring herself to get out of bed.

She's sick. 

It was a stupid idea to walk her way home from work in the rain. She can't help but question her sanity on _ why _she did it because it inevitably would lead to her slow demise from a persistent cold.

Another knock. Who would even pass by here on a Friday evening? 

She groans and lets her feet touch the cold marble floor. 

“Unnie, what are you doing here?” When she sees who it is, a frown breaks out and lilts her voice. “Yah, don't you want to see me?”

“It's a Friday! Don't you work overtime today?”

“...It's Saturday morning, Minjoo. I don't have to go to the office on Saturdays.”

It's a bit bothering since she's sick and all.

Nevertheless: Minjoo lets her in.

“Yena told me you're sick… why didn't you tell me?”

“I mean like—if I wasn't checking up on you, I'm pretty sure your girlfriend would beat me up. She's kinda scary, you know.”

Minjoo smiles. “She's not, you're just a coward.” Chaewon scoffs. “I am not.”

“Yes, you are.”

(Chaewon knows she is, but she would never admit such a thing in front of Minjoo. Her pride is on the line, after all.) 

A cough interrupts her next sentence and Chaewon sighs. “Kim Minjoo, you don't even know how to take care of yourself,”

She gets handed a handful of cough drops and a strip of suspicious looking tablets. Chaewon tells (read: orders) her to take them and orders (read: forces) her to stay confined to her bed until she's feeling better. 

“Okay—now where's your kitchen? I need to be clichéd and make you some soup.”

They're just friends. Minjoo knows. 

She wonders if friends care all too much for each other like this. If _ friends _ are afraid to lay a finger on you, as if you'll break. If friends can be so concerned that they make sure you're fine throughout the day after they leave your house. If friends can say things like you're too beautiful when they think you're asleep. 

Just friends. Chaewon knows they're just friends. 

She writes it off as Chaewon _ being too kind _ for her own good. 

She has a reputation for _ being too kind _, doesn't she? Eunbi told her they used to call her the kindness fairy or something back in highschool. 

Chaewon is too kind. 

_ They're just friends. _

[~°~]

Minjoo thinks people like Chaewon are hard to come by. 

Chaewon has a heart of gold. She tries to keep others happy. She does everything with a whole heart.

Minjoo would say she wasn't really a confident person. 

But something: something to do with Chaewon made her more confident. 

She doesn't know what it is. 

Was it a reassuring smile whenever she sees that dreaded look of confusion on her face?

Could it be words of encouragement on days she can't find the will to go on?

Maybe it was compliments all the times she admitted her insecurities to her. She doesn't know. 

Chaewon seems to know what to do and when to do anything. It's like a gift.

So it's rare for Chaewon to ask her for advice. It's almost always the other way around. 

“Do you think it's useless to like someone who's in a relationship?”

Minjoo finds the question weird. She doesn't know why it sprung out of nowhere on her. They just finished watching one of those cliche superhero movies—it didn't even have the least bit of romance, so she wonders. 

“No, not really. Why?”

“What should someone do if they're stuck in that kind of circumstance?”

“Hmm…”

“I don't know, unnie, are you even asking the right person?” She says with a finger to her head, not really understanding the context of the whole situation.

“It's okay if you don't have the answers, Minjoo-_ yah. _I'm just thinking out loud.”

She smiles. Minjoo returns it in the best way she can manage. 

(It doesn't occur to Minjoo that she's in a relationship. The fact slips by like a forgotten dream.)

[~°~]

“I missed you…”

First, a hug.

“I missed you too.”

Then, a kiss.

It's right. It's what's meant to be. 

“They're not overworking you, right? You eat on time, sleep on time, I don't know, have a clear sense of time,”

She laughs. “Of course I do. I haven't turned into an emotionless robot, you know.”

A smile. It's the perfect piece to an incomplete puzzle, isn't it?

She hums. It's right to be here like this. In her embrace. In her presence. Nothing would feel as complete as this. As content as this. She relishes in the short time she has. 

Time, such a fragile thing. 

“I love you.”

And it's right. It's written down in her fate. It's what she's written down for herself.

“I love you too.”

[_ Is this what _

_ love _

_ feels like? _]

“Unnie, this isn't fair! I reached the parking lot first!”

“I said who reaches _ the car _first wins. And guess who reached the car first?”

Minjoo scoffs. “You're being real cheap now, unnie.” 

“I know! Now let's go buy me some mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

She can't find the heart to get mad. Not when she looks so accomplished with her stupid loophole. So excited for a disgusting ice cream flavour. It's amusing. 

It feels right. 

Somewhere along the way to the shop their hands find each other's. 

It feels like it's meant to be. 

“What flavour do you want?”

A pause.

“Vanilla.”

“Yah, that's so basic.”

“As if mintchoco is any better! That's even worse than basic. Vanilla is nice and simple.”

She shakes her head at her insolence. “What?” She asks, her stares get too bothersome. “Nothing. Your hair looks nice in pink. You look nice.”

It feels complete. She feels content. 

It feels right. She doesn't mind the time. She feels like she has all the time in the world.

It feels like it's meant to be.

(Maybe it is meant to be.)

But she knows it's not meant to be.

It can't be.

(That doesn't matter at the moment.)

All she can muster up is a slap on the shoulder. 

It feels right.

It's not right.

It feels like it's meant to be.

_ Is it meant to be? _

[~°~]

“Kim. Chae. Won.” 

Minjoo says into the dead of the night: to her dismay, she gets no epiphany or realization or whatever it is she expected when the name leaves her lips. 

“Kim Chaewon.” 

But in all honesty, she's just fooling herself. 

Even if the four walls of her room could talk, she thinks they'd have nothing to say.

“Kim Chaewon, what are you doing to me?”

[~°~]

Minjoo thinks she can solve the problems she encounters in her life better with a bit of advice. It's not like she can't deal when them on her own—it's as if there's a stronger sense of security if she has someone else's experiences to reflect on. 

It's burdening. 

It's burdening to feel the need to rely on someone else all the time. To not have the confidence to fix your life on your own. 

But, she still tries. She tries to solve the problems bombarded at her with all her might. 

“What's wrong?”

The question is pleasant. 

It comes pleasant. It's like the cool summer breeze she desperately needs after months of being stuck in the sweltering heat. Everything about it is pleasant. Everything about her is pleasant. 

Minjoo wishes she could appreciate the moment. Her mind doesn't let her. 

Again, confusion occludes her. Visits her like an old friend and embraces her. It shouldn't be like this. Anything but this. 

She doesn't reply.

All she can do is sink further into her arms. She hopes she doesn't ask why. She knows she won't be able to answer her. She knows, because she can't even answer herself. 

She doesn't ask why, all she does is hug her tighter. 

It makes it worse. Why is she like this?

Minjoo shouldn't feel like this. 

She shouldn't feel like this.

You shouldn't feel like this. You know, but you can't stop it. You can't do this to her. You can't be so selfish. 

Your thoughts are barely coherent. 

You hate the feeling. Again, you lose yourself in confusion.

Is this your fault? Is it hers?

Is it _ hers? _

Should you be angry at yourself? At the world? At her? At _ her _? 

You feel guilty. 

Can you even do anything about it? Can you deal with that responsibility? Can you stop this?

You can't help it. 

Yet, you can't accept it. You know you won't. 

You know you'll live in denial. 

“I don't know, unnie. I don't know anything anymore.” It's all you can manage. It's all you can think about. It's all you don't want to think about.

Are you in love? 

Are you not in love?

You don't know.

You do not love her, and that's what it is.

You don't.

(That's what you keep telling yourself.

One day, it's bound to come true, 

Right?)

You don't love her. 

That’s what it is (not).


	3. bargaining

Minjoo knows what it’s like to fall out of love.

She often wonders what her girlfriend would be doing if she wasn’t an idol. Would they even meet if it weren’t for her appearance on the show? Would she love her the same way? 

Would they defy all odds and still end up by each other’s side?

_ Would they? _

The thoughts fizzle out without much difficulty, because she simply can’t imagine the woman doing anything else but singing and dancing. She loved being an idol to death. She loved being on stage. She loved the spotlight, and Minjoo doesn’t think that’s a bad thing.

She was passionate about it. The passion would drive her to achieve her dreams no matter what, no matter what circumstances.

And since she would _ always _end up being an idol, the two of them were bound to end up together.

Isn't that what Minjoo found so charming about her?

Isn't that why she mustered up the courage to ask her out? Wasn't she so hopelessly enamoured with the petite girl who would sing at her favourite restaurant each week?

Was it not her passion for the things she loved that drew her in? 

_ Where did all of it go? _

Where was the passion she was immersed in at the start of their relationship? 

Why did she feel this way? No, why didn't she _feel _the same way anymore?

Is it wrong to wonder what her life could've been if she wasn't dating her?

Chaewon huffs when she closes the door shut, her breath condensing against the windows. “Who would've thought Eunbi unnie is a lightweight…”

She meets her eyes, chuckling. “I can't believe she's worse at drinking than _ you, _” Minjoo frowns. Her words are something between mumbles and drunken slurring, face rosy pink and the tips of her ears red, peeking out of her hair. It must be because of the cold.

Chaewon doesn't get why Eunbi would throw a party—no, she gets _ why _ she threw the party: because she got an amazing job offer overseas and wanted to celebrate with her friends—she doesn't get why Eunbi would throw a legitimate party when she was so horrible at drinking. 

She made Chaewon her designated driver and inevitably forced her into carrying her all the way to her apartment. At least Minjoo seems to be sobering up, she wasn't strong enough to walk the horrendous stairs to her apartment with half the girl's weight on her. 

Falling out of love is the exact moment she shifts in her seat to watch Chaewon driving her home.

The moment she pretends not to notice how Chaewon whispers _ cute, _ under her breath.

Falling out of love is when she lets her imagination run wild—when she finally lets herself—when she finally asks herself, _ what would it be like to date her? _

Would her hand on the gear stick be in Minjoo's hand instead, if they were dating? Her eyes focused on the road, would they check on her every once in a while, if they were dating? Would she stay the night with her? Would she whisper sweet nothings in her ear?

In the safety of her mind, the quiet depths of her heart. Minjoo knows what falling out of love is. It's when she asks;

_ Is it wrong to wonder what her life would be like if she was dating Chaewon? _

And it's when she thinks;

_ No, it's not. _

  
  


{–·–}

  
  


Chaewon knows when she's crossed a line, gone beyond her limits, stepping past a boundary that she clearly should've stayed within.

She turns down the stereo, a smile playing on her lips when Minjoo continues to stare at her. “What?” 

“You look nice with your short hair.”

Oh, was she a sweet talking drunk? Chaewon finds the grin across her face amusing and chuckles. “Do I?”

She hums, bringing a finger to poke her cheek. Her humming descends to the song playing on the radio. Chaewon takes it all in.

Again.

She can't help the feeling blooming in her chest when she pauses, the world pauses at a red light for her to look at Minjoo. 

Taking it in.

Stray strands of brown cascading down her eyes, messy against the hand she rested her head on. A lazy smile stretched across her lips. This nameless melody she hums along to.

The world waiting, yellow light and the confines of her car. Chaewon almost misses the green light if it weren't for a car passing by honking her out of her stupor, prompting Minjoo's eyes to flutter open.

Something in her eyes that she doesn't understand. 

“Oh, are we home?”

_ It's not what you think it is. _She's drunk. Delirious. Not in the right mind. It's nothing. “Yeah,” 

It's not what she thinks it is. Minjoo's arm entwining hers, leaning on her. 

It's not anything. 

Maybe time slows down with each step taken, time feels like forever, but forever isn't enough. Chaewon knows not to give herself any false hope. There was no point in wishful thinking. She won't fly too close to the sun, she won't soar any higher. She isn't Icarian. 

She knows when to stop. 

She knows, but her heart aches so terribly with the slowing down of this time. This moment. Why does she have to deal with this turmoil? How much longer? How much more will she endure?

When, when will she be able to look at Minjoo without feeling her chest congest itself with unspoken love words? 

She can't help it everytime she sees her. The desire to become her world. To be hers. It's wrong. These thoughts are wrong, wanting her to be more than a friend when she was with someone else. It's all wrong. She can't keep going on like this.

_ When will you let go? _

“Hey, do you have your keys?” Her voice is low. 

Minjoo stands up straight for once and rests against the back of her door, facing her. She nods and watches as Chaewon's eyes are avoidant, unable to hold her gaze. Not even a few seconds. “Text me when you get home,” 

“I will…” she trails, her hands fidget at the collar of her shirt. “Well… I’ll get going then.” 

She doesn't know why this awkwardness grips her. Why this restlessness grips her. 

Something about that look in Minjoo's eyes. 

Her fingers stop her by the cuff of her coat. She tugs on her sleeve.

“Wait.” 

When has she ever denied Minjoo anything?

Soaring higher. Closer. Closer to the sun.

_ You'll burn yourself, Icarus. _

_ The fall down will only hurt more. _

Closer.

Her breath fanning against cold cheeks. Chaewon's stands paralyzed, Minjoo's fingertips outlining the lapels of coat, smoothening them out, lightly. She doesn't dare look into her eyes, she doesn't ignore the way Minjoo bites her lips but still. She wouldn't dare look into her eyes. But then fingers are under her chin and she's compelled to look. 

_ Is it right? _

_ Is it wrong? _

_ Is it? _

_ Is it not? _

Chaewon leans in and forgets: the world, the questions, the incessant voices in her head, everything. Nothing existed—it didn't matter, right or wrong—it felt real, it was real. Minjoo's lips were as soft as she imagined them to be. It’s real. It rushes through her veins, the emancipation from torturous thoughts, endless nights of pining. 

_ You've gone too far. _

_ You can't go back from this. _

_ You won't be the same. _

It feels right. 

_ But you know it's wrong. _

Minjoo sees her eyes flutter open when the older girl pulls away in haste, stepping back and her words rush out, frantic. “Sorry, I didn't mean to—, I just got caught up with uh,—it, it was impulsive, I didn't—”

She doesn't understand why Chaewon worries so much. She doesn't know why Chaewon takes everything so seriously.

It’s not that complex.

It's not that complicated. 

Or, kissing her was rather the most uncomplicated thing she had felt in long, long time; like a light to dispel the fog dousing her mind. In the moment, it felt like it was the only thing she needed. The only thing she needed to do. 

Her hands come to cusp her jaw and Minjoo kisses Chaewon again. 

Chaewon doesn't resist. For once, she won't think of the consequences of her actions. Because now, all she can think about is Minjoo. All she can do is kiss the girl senseless. 

So, that's all she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...hi it's almost been a year since an update  
i just didn't know how to continue from where i left off and busied myself with other stories lol  
also let me know your thoughts! bc i'm still unsure on how to continue like,, are we getting a happy ending or a sad one? idk


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